Archive for October, 2014

We are all right

Written by Jess

A number of things have happened recently that have prompted me to write this.

The guests of the private party where I taught my last Charleston class in August 2013 got together, remembered the dance moves I taught them, and put together a beautiful basket of delicious goodies for Mahe and I.

Sadhana clothing found an off-cut of the fabric that Jamie’s favourite shirt was made out of. They made a little purse out of it and sent it to me.

The wildflowers I regularly find stuffed into my letterbox.

The surprises I find on my doorstep; heart shaped rocks, pumpkins, tomato plants, and just yesterday, The Eastern, one of my favourite bands. They had come to tell me I was doing a great job, they sung me a song and invited me to their next gig. ph 4

There are also so many things that happened 14 months ago that has prompted me to finally write this.

There are some people that I thank a lot and some that I have thanked officially. But there are more people that I have never even acknowledged, let alone thanked.

My dearest friends who got on the first flight to Queenstown, laden with rescue remedy, whiskey and snacks. Who carried Mahe and I home when I wasn’t even sure which way was up. Who packed up the holiday house and brought everything back to Christchurch for me.

Anyone involved in putting together the biggest and scariest event of my life. No one wants to be part of a funeral, especially organising it.

Family, blood related and otherwise, you know who you are. For everything and for nothing. You are always there at the right time.

To everyone and anyone who sent (and still sends) Mahe and I messages, letters, cards, flowers, gifts, treats, meals, phone-calls, love, money, prayers, thoughts. I have great intentions to respond to each of these offerings individually. To do this I have to look back through all of those cards and notes, and admit that this is real.

I sometimes feel a little overwhelmed at how many people are so interested in and enthusiastic about my life and my future. Anonymity has become something of the past. I spend a lot of time taking ridiculous photos of Mahe and I. I guess I do this to show all these people that we are all right, we have fun and we have found a way to adapt to our new life.

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Some of the comments I get include words such as strength and amazing. Know that what I portray is not a front, this is me. Somehow I can sieve through the grief to find happiness. This does not make me stronger than you. On the odd occasion that Jamie and I would go running together, he would run with one hand on my back, pushing me up the hill and keeping me going. His hand is still there and this is the reason I can continue.

I’m still devastated, constantly fighting the overwhelming feeling of disbelief and I’m missing Jamie in every moment. P1110301Jamie, Phipps Peak, June 2012