Read it and weep

5D20113-7332JVB, on top of his World, Aoraki, January 2013 (Mark Watson)

written by Jess 

Today I fell down the grief hole. It’s not all that dark down here anymore. Take from this what you will, but please proceed with caution.

It started like this;

“There is nothing in this moment about the past and you will gain nothing by projecting into the future”* Hamish, yoga teacher and, inadvertently/unknowingly, life coach extraordinaire.

I’m battling to not overwhelm myself with memories of the past or let my anxiety of the future take over. My tiny little monkey mind took over and all of a sudden I was thinking of everything and also nothing. There is no one in this room that this is more relevant to**. It was at this point in which I broke down.

So I ordered wine at lunch time.

Then I’m at the YMCA, standing in the old climbing gym. Right where it all started with Jamie. Things are a little different now. They have replaced the plastic holds and that chalky/rubber/feet smell with an art exhibition. Myself and my significant other*** turn to each other and joke about how this whole situation is quite the comparison to my life as I know it.

It’s hot outside, so we wander through the botanic gardens. We stop a while, under a mighty Totara****. This happens to be the exact place where I once stopped with Jamie, only memorable because I was stung by a bee. I’m wearing heart shaped sunglasses and there is a flock of Piwakawaka swooping around our heads, flirting with us*****.

We look to the sky and there are these clouds. Clouds like I have never seen before. They are the snow cornice on top a mountain peak. The wave that is represented on my ring. And they are the koru that is in the Korimako that is about to become permanently inked onto my skin.

I mention that this day has been somewhat significant and I’m going to blog about it. I’m questioned by my significant other****** as to why I would want to share these inner musings with the world, I say I don’t know. But that is a lie. I do know.

I just want to make you cry.

I don’t yet know how it finishes.

*Not his exact words, but you get the picture
**This is a total lie, but I hope no one else here is suffering as much as I am
***Erin
****Actually I think it was just a pine tree, but Totara sounds better
*****Embellishment
******It’s still Erin

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2 responses

  1. Me

    Sounds like what you’re feeling is very painful, and very normal in the circumstances. I hope you have lots of supportive people around you. Sending you some love right now.

    I stumbled across this trailer recently, the film was released last year I think. I hope I’m not being too presumptuous but I thought you might be interested …. Take care of you. x

    April 23, 2015 at 8:49 am

  2. LJ

    Dear Jessica, you write beautifully and with incredible grace. I think Jamie should have featured you on his blog much earlier 🙂

    It is hard not to cry when reading your posts – and I felt that way before experiencing bereavement. So I can say I’m grateful you have shared and continue to share your experiences. It makes perfect sense to me.

    I hope that your day included a piping hot shower, something delicious to eat, and something fun to read xo

    April 29, 2015 at 7:25 pm

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